Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
