His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
