Yo dont text me then not text me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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