Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
3 2 1 whiskey
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
