I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I met the friendliest cop last night
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
