Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
