I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
