just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
