Don't make out with my wife yet
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
