Will you blow on my dice?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
