hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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