He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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