During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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