I think I just saw someone hide a body.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
