Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Houston, we have a blender
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize