I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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