I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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