If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
