if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
