When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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