My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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