he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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