i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
