Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
