I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
