I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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