apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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