Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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