so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
