mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
