I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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