My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
