I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
