I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis