alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?