i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed