Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
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My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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