I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
