dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I need to sanitize my soul.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
