that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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