Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize