He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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