He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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