I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
