Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
