I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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