u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize