Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
