well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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