A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
