drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
