did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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