you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
