i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
