Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
