i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't deserve a penis
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
