Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
we made out on top of his cat.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
