You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
