I cannot find my penis.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
